Thursday, December 01, 2005

ELO: Elven Liver Oxidation

It all began innocently enough. I started with the 'umble variant of "hello", with an elision of the first consonant and a simplification of the bicameral ll into a softer, single l, but then an absence of a response sparked a desultory monologue that, while of absolutely no worthwhile content, was mildly amusing, at least more so amusing than witnessing myself furthering the art of twiddling thumbs. Sadly, at no point during this reflexive exercise did the party I was trying to contact respond. Below I have copied the text, providing line breaks at each point a message was sent.


Elven liver oxidation.

It's a debilitating condition for elves arising from overconsumption of alcoholic beverages.

Policymakers are nonplussed at the precarious situation wherein ELO, already admitted by those in the know of certainly reaching pandemic proportions, is the only inhibitor preventing the generally rowdy demeanor of elves from physically manifesting into fisticuffs with those race of bears fondly known to televise "Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires."

Republicans announced today a strategy of preemption, gunning down Smokey the Bear and his ilk and thereby cordoning off the one likely outlet for sober Elven fury. Insiders ruminate how Republicans haven't really ironed out how to then get the elves to stop drinking and mitigate ELO's rampage across Elven communities. Insiders continue by stating, "We think the Republicans just want to kill Smokey the Bear. This whole tactic of trying to find an avenue to cure ELO without violent spillover is a rouse to accomplish a long harbored right-wing stratagem to take down Smokey."

Democrats meanwhile protested Republicans' unilaterally decided path and demanded an end to "a blatant witch-hunt against the Smokey Bears who have almost no link with the drunken elves." Voting on whether to take down Smokeys fell fairly along party-lines but a band of anti-Smokey democrats crossed over to help pass the bill through a slender majority. Many Smokey Bears have fled for Canada but one remained behind and allowed itself to be interviewed. When asked what its reaction is to this new crackdown on an otherwise ignored minority community of bears, Mr. Smokey, as it asked to be called, commented glumly, "Only you can prevent forest fires." Mr. Smokey was visibly shaken, demoralized, and obviously under tremendous psychological pain, apparently so much so as to be unable to coherently say anything else.

Elves meanwhile continued their drunken revelry as no government task-force has yet been assigned the pressing issue of ELO. Senior Analyst of Elven Affairs Sean Connery reports, "What we're seeing here is a silent admission by staff officials that elves and alcohol are inseparable. With the Republican aim of cleansing out Smokey Bears, forests are now free to be burned down for mini-malls and prime television ad space previously used by Smokey is opened to new players. ELO was never a concern, and I think now that the party's objective is accomplished, attention over ELO will be redirected to other pressing matters."

Democrats, fuming at having had public funds siphoned for hawkish special interest groups vying for television ad space, staged a walkout from congressional and senatorial deliberations. Democrats then marched into the streets in protest where they were promptly assailed by a gang of drunk elves merrily prancing about. Some Democrats whose names are being sealed per Circuit Court order seized a few of the Elven whiskey bottles. Details of what immediately ensued are still sketchy but twelve Democrats are confirmed dead and five elves injured.

An outpour of public fulmination over the incident has forced Republican hands to covertly allow Smokey Bears to reenter the country under a clandestine agreement provisioning some airtime, albeit reduced, to Smokey ads in exchange for curing the deteriorating relationship with the Elven community. A local sheriff whose rise to fame last year was the capture of a picnic-basket thief named Yogi has alerted locals that the Smokey Bears and the Elven communities are engaging in gang warfare and humans should remain calm and stay away when spotting either nearby. Hospitals are reporting an influx of critically wounded elves, possibly indicating that Smokey Bear clans are expediently executing an eradication campaign.

Pundits analyzing the situation paint a bleak picture when asked about the likelihood of achieving social harmony any time soon but agree upon the longer-term benefits of a reduced Elven population. Already, mean young elves are throwing away their bottles of whiskey to hone their skills at bear hunting. This itself will, as pundits point out, ameliorate the spread of ELO. Bears meanwhile are unfazed by the new sober variety of elves and are finding it highly lucrative near the Christmas season to capture elves for resale in the slave trade. China has criticized this new labor force and has opened a complaint with the WTO that Santa's workshop is using slave labor, unfairly competing with their lowly priced merchandise. Santa has defiantly obscured access of investigators working to assess claims of Santa's crimes against elfanity. This matter is still pending in International Criminal Court.

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